Friday, May 14, 2010

Notes From A Cat Sitter - 2

I finished up the final week of cat sitting yesterday. It was an interesting adventure. Here are my notes from Tuesday and Thursday:

May 11, 2010

Dear J,

I took care of everything for Angel. She's insatiable when it comes to getting brushed. She was acting really sweet and purring. But the second I excused myself to the restroom, she ran off and hid under the couch.

As I approached the bathroom entrance, stink attacked my senses. It smelled like a construction site Port-O-Let. After some gagging and swearing, I found a half-dozen turds lazing in your bathtub. Needless to say, I cleaned up the mess then confronted Angel.

"What's up with the poop in the tub?" I asked.

"What poop?" Her tail thumped a beat on the ground under the sofa. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"The turds I just cleaned out of the bathtub. That's nasty."

"Oh, the poop in the tub. That was J. She always poops in the tub."

We went back and forth like that for a few minutes until she finally confessed. I think your cat has some issues.

She also told me a gang of possums had been casing the joint. She said they were all inked up and wearing bandannas and their leader carried a switchblade. Then she started crying and said she was afraid they'd come in through the garage and climb through the cat door. She said she felt vulnerable all by herself. She mentioned you've used fox urine as a deterrent in the past but you didn't have any more around the house.

So, as a favor to you and your cat, I pissed in your garage. I figure my alpha male urine is twice as potent as that of a fox.

You're welcome,
Hunter


May 13, 2010

Another turd in the tub. Seriously, you need to have a talk with your cat.

Something was off with Angel this visit. She was hiding outside when I first got here. Then, just as I was about to give up on her, she slogged through the cat door. She collapsed on the floor, licking her paw and rubbing tears from her eyes.

"What's wrong? J will be back in a couple days."

"Nothing."

"Looks like something to me."

"It's embarrassing."

"We're friends. I'm not crazy about the tub-shitting, but I like you. You can tell me."

"You know I'm adopted, right?"

"I know. Nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah, but I don't understand why J calls me a she and insists that everyone else do the same. I'm a boy cat." He raised up on his hind legs and pointed to his junk. "See? I'm a boy. I'm just so confused."

"You mean J is pushing some weird gender confusion thing on you. Like she really wanted a girl, so she's trying to force you into that role?"

"Basically."

"And you don't like it?"

"Hell no. I'm not some trannie-cat," he said before adding, "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

J, there's a place for people who do twisted things like this to their pets: Jerry Springer.

I hope you'll rethink your evil ways.

-Hunter

25 comments:

  1. This is, by some distance, my favourite post by any blogger ever. So original, so funny, so vivid. Plus a Seinfeld gag. Seriously, amazing job. I'm off to Tweet about this.
    *Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

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  2. Hi, Jimmy. This is just me being silly. Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the Twitter nod. I really should open up an account.

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  3. Very funny. Stumbled in from Gravel Farm. I, too, have had run-ins with cats (my own); and all I can say is that if Liza "Bean" Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is going to add the words "the good shrimp" to the grocery list she damn well better get a job.

    Fuzzy little freeloader.

    Pearl

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  4. p.s. Added you to my blog roll.

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  5. Well, be silly more often. Your eloquent pen combined with this kind of humour takes your writing to a new level. Too many writers (and bloggers) take themselves far too seriously...

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  6. Hi, Pearl. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

    Hi, Jimmy. I hear you about people taking themselves too seriously. There's an inherent danger of becoming a self parody in that. Of course, if it's all jokes all the time, the same thing can happen in the opposite extreme. I don't know. Moderation in all things, I suppose. Always appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment.

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  7. Oh, Hunter.....I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Thanks for making my day.

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  8. Hahaha LOVE IT!

    My cat totally craps in the tub. Can you please talk to her?

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  9. omg i had the same issues with my cats. both issues. one pooped in bed and and tub and everywhere else, the other was a boy but i was told he was a girl. seriously!

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  10. i went out with this girl once, and she absolutely stank of cat. i can still smell it now. yuk. not good.

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  11. Hi, Webb. Thanks for stopping by.

    Hi, Amber. Glad this one brought you a laugh.

    Hi, Miss. I'm retired from all that now, but I found shame and humiliation work well. Kind of like in personal relationships.

    Hi, Sarah. And here I thought this was an isolated incident.

    Hi, Kid. Agreed. Not good at all.

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  12. Thanks for continuing your cat diary! I hope this will make J. stop treating Angel like a girl. I've always felt really bad for him and I'm sure it's not healthy.

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  13. Ha! Good stuff. Enjoyed this post.

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  14. Hi, Anita. One can only hope. Thanks so much for stopping by. Not many folks from the 'real world' take the time to do so.

    Hi, Judearoo. Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the read and comment.

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  15. Love it. Reminds me why I never, ever, cat sit.

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  16. LOL Absolutely Fabulous !!

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  17. Hunter, you are hilarious. I wandered over here from Blogger and your great insights on what makes a "Blog of Note". I wish I could nominate you!

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  18. Hi, Madame. It wasn't that bad.

    Hi, Mazza. Thanks.

    Hi, NJM. Welcome! If I recall correctly, those insights had something to do with cats, so it looks like I'm taking my own advice.

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  19. It's a shame your cat sitting days are over. These were hilarious!

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  20. Hi, OWO. Glad you enjoyed these. Always appreciate you reading.

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  21. Brilliant. Just... brilliant. I'm quite serious when I say that this could be the premise of a best-selling book. Cats always look like they have so much to say, most of which I hope is half as appallingly funny as your rendition here, and you've captured the essence of cat-ridiculousness. Love it.

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  22. Hi, manshopping. That's quite the moniker you have there! Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment.

    Hi, lesinfin. That's very nice of you to say. Always appreciate the read.

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  23. First blog I've found that has made me laugh out loud. And what the hell is the point in a blog that doesn't? Good Job.

    Hx

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