Sunday, March 28, 2010

Interviewing Starlet X

I have a friend that’s a muckety-muck at one of the big publications out of New York. He knows I’m an aspiring writer, so he threw me a bone –a paying gig to interview a celebrity while she was in town about six weeks ago. This was an unadulterated case of cronyism. And I must say, cronyism isn’t so bad when you’re the one benefiting.

The good news is I got paid. It was almost enough so it doesn’t feel strange to refer to myself as a writer. The bad news is the interview isn’t going to run. Not ever. The celebrity’s publicist put a serious kibosh on it. Attorneys got involved. Shit was slung. Some of it stuck.

I can’t post the entire interview here. It’s too long for a blog, and I’d risk exposing the identity of Starlet X. That can’t happen, or said shit will get slung my way. What I can do is share a couple of excerpts –one of which is likely the reason the thing will never see print publication.

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Intro

The first thing I notice about Starlet X is she’s even prettier in person. It’s for reasons I never would have thought to guess. When she smiles, skin bunches up around her eyes and her ears perk up a little. It’s as if every piece of her is filling with some gossamer pleasure that pulls her heavenward, and it's enough to make you want to follow. She’s wearing a low-cut sundress. I notice a mole on her chest and try hard not to stare. It’s a tiny drop of espresso set off against the white swell of her left breast, a speckle of imperfection just above her heart. I didn’t recall seeing it in the magazine images. Maybe digitally excising it makes sense for advertisements, but in person that blemish makes her beauty accessible, and I imagine its roots marbling her insides with the pathos she’s so famous for in her films.

On Men

Me: Let’s talk about men.

SX: (Rolls her eyes.) Are there any left? Not in Hollywood. They have these big strong bodies, but their hands are all soft. A real man should have rough hands, hands that can build things.

Me: So you’re looking for a carpenter? What about a writer with a serious finger callous from holding a pen funny?

SX: I don’t think I could date a carpenter. It’s not so much that I’d be against it. The tabloids would have a field day. No, that would be impossible. I dated a writer once. He was very sensitive. He cried a lot, and I didn’t like that. Like I said, I want my man to be a real man. I don’t care how much of a pacifist a girl might be. All women want a man who could kick some ass if it came down to it.

On Drugs

Me: There’s a lot of tragedy in Hollywood. It seems like, and I don’t mean to sound insensitive; there is practically an overdose a week. Do you have any insights into what’s going on?

SX: I blame the doctors mostly. They have these people coming to them that are very weak-willed and broken. Like little birds with broken wings that are in pain. And the doctors just pump them full of meds. It makes the doctors lots of money and it’s disgusting.

Me: You don’t think there’s an onus of responsibility that falls to these individuals who are taking the drugs?

SX: I do. I think they’re making a mistake medicating themselves. But they couldn’t get the meds without these doctors.

On Philanthropy

Me: A lot of celebrities get behind some great causes, and I was wondering if there’s anything you’re passionate about?

SX: There is. This is going to sound a little crazy, but my hairstylist introduced me to his brother who is a famous cryptozoologist --

Me: (Interrupting) A what?

SX: A cryptozoologist. He’s a very smart man who studies mysterious and unknown creatures. He knows about all kinds of stuff, but he specializes in Sasquatch.

Me: He studies Bigfoot?

SX: Yeah. Nobody sees them anymore because they’re almost extinct. We’re encroaching on their territory and they’re all dying off. It’s a real tragedy.

Me: Shouldn’t we be finding the corpses or bones or something?

SX: They’re very smart, almost as smart as humans. They cremate their dead in sophisticated religious ceremonies.

Me: So how are you helping?

SX: Well, right now it’s mostly financial. But I’d like to shoot a PSA or something to help get the word out.

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I’m pretty sure the Bigfoot thing was what set the publicist off. Starlet X did, however, point to recently discovered species, like the Bornean Clouded Leopard and the Raftus Swinhoei turtle of Vietnam as evidence of supposedly mythical creatures that were discovered. So who knows? She also had some strange things to say about her dealings with the Church of Scientology.

Thanks for reading the little bit I felt comfortable posting. I’ll probably just delete the rest of the interview off my hard drive.

20 comments:

  1. Very interesting. Sasquatch and Scientology. It's too bad you didn't get the interview published. What would the celebrity world be without publicists quoshing your every stupid remark as a star? I'm dying to know who this is.

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  2. As someone who interviews people and writes about it for a living, I have to say I'm in awe of your intro there. Awesome.
    *Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

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  3. I have a cryptozoological animal living at the bottom of my garden. It's very expensive to maintain. Could you pass my number along to her?

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  4. Hi, VA. I'd like to know who it is too. ;)

    Hi, Jimmy. I wish I'd really had a chance to do a fun interview like this. This one was just me goofing around. I liked the idea of a starlet making the argument that Bigfoot is almost extinct.

    Hi, Tina. Me too! I think I'm the only person on the planet who can't grow a tomato.

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  5. Thank you so much for a good laugh at the end of Palm Sunday. Not that I'm religious, I'm just thinking about becoming Catholic (sorry lapsed into StarletX mode)

    Such a shame we didn't get to read this in a magazine. You should try an online gossip blog...? (I didn't say that)

    Helena xx

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  6. Sweet, sweet cronyism. You really had me going until Bigfoot came up, and even then I read the tags to make sure you really were having us on. Well done!

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  7. Hi, Helena. Starlet X mode is fun. Glad you enjoyed this post. My next blog will definitely maybe have something to do with gossip.

    Hi, S&C. It would've been a rotten joke to not tag this as fiction. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  8. Brilliant post. You had me going as well. Maybe you really DID do this interview and you are just playing that it is fake.....I am picturing a very pompous Angelina Jolie trying to save BigFoot. Jesus, she is a saint - huh?

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  9. You're posting so much this month, Hunter, that i can't keep up with you! Another great post. You certainly have a knack for intriguing me! Who is this Starlet X? I really really want to know. At the same time i don't want you to have a libellous lawsuit on your hands so i'll have to ponder this identity forevermore.

    Another great post. I agree with Fish too- great opener. :)

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  10. Hi, Amber. Good call. I could see Angelina Jolie as Starlet X.

    Hi, Lou. Well, it's mostly been crap, so you haven't missed much. Thanks for stopping by and checking this one out.

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  11. I really hope she's right about Bigfoot.

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  12. Hi, Hannah. She probably is. Bigfoots are the druids of the cryptozoology world.

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  13. I haven't a cryptozoologic idea what she was talking about. That must be why I'm not a starlet of any kind.

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  14. In response to your response, i have to point out that you do not write crap, Hunter. Stop berating yourself or your abilities as a writer. I will not hear of it! :)

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  15. Who is this? I am dying to know who this is!

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  16. There is no big foot? I only wear a size 6 so every foot is big to me, lol.

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  17. I want to know who this is. She sounds intelligent, compelling, and just a little zany.

    You did a great job with it, by the way.

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  18. Is the plural of bigfoot, bigfeet? I have always wanted to know! Asd I had no idea that they cremate their dead in sophisticated religious ceremonies. Had I known how intelligent they were, I would probably have never been fooled by the classic, Harry and the Hendersons.

    Well done Hunter. You're kind of a big deal, now.

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  19. Definitely don't delete it. And honestly, I don't see what all the fuss is about.

    I mean, who DOESN'T know a cryptozoologist?

    Yeesh.

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  20. Hi, Sarah. It's definitely crazy talk.

    Hi, Lou. I don't think all my writing is crap, but the blog hasn't seen anything really good in a while.

    Hi, LSLW. This is fiction. Didn't even have a real person in mind.

    Hi, Melissa. You should probably report your shoe size in European sizes. You're probably like a 25 or something.

    Hi, BB. Been a while since you've stopped by. Thanks for the read and comment. As I mentioned above, this is fiction.

    Hi, Lola. I remember that movie. Good stuff!

    Hi, Charlene. I see your logic. ;)

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