Dear Former Follower,
I look back on our time together with an almost irrational fondness. I remember the first time you stopped by and looked around. Everything was so shiny and new back then. We were on our best behavior, and the world was all possibilities.
You read a post or two. You thought it strange that the blog was such a hodgepodge. You wondered if you could ever truly enjoy a blog with no discernable unifying theme, but somehow something resonated with you. I even thought I heard you giggle once.
Your cursor lingered over the follow button, teasing and caressing it, promising untold ecstasy. Then we consummated our relationship with the click of a mouse. We were officially an item.
And leaves returned to barren branches.
We were so good together those first few days. But then you stopped even checking to see what words I’d crafted for you. You went from mildly amused lurker to apathetic ignorer. I felt the distance between us grow, your celestial orbit breaking free of gravity. So I wrote for you. It was meager food, but all that I had was yours to consume.
I heard that you were reading and commenting on other blogs at the same time that you were following me. And I wanted to crawl under my bed and hide. You may not have ever commented and said it, but I knew we really had something special.
You left me anyway!
Those other blogs won’t love you the way I do. They won’t know how to do that thing you liked. You know the one. Believe me, you’ll be sorry. But it’ll be too late. When you come crawling back, I won’t be here waiting. It’s your loss!
Please come back. I miss you. Maybe if we tried to spice things up? Maybe role-play? I could blog like a sexy cop. Or you could wear a blonde wig while you read. We could both follow a blog that’s been tagged for adult content. If we just tried a little harder, we could make this thing work.
What’s that? No, you say?
I thought you might react that way. But I hope you understand that I’ve gotten used to a certain number of followers. Nobody forced you to click that follow button. And I’m not giving up the lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed. You philanderer!
I’m sorry. I promised myself that I’d keep my emotions in check, but I guess it’s okay, since it’s factually accurate to call you a philanderer.
I want half of your online empire. You’ll be hearing from my unfollow attorney soon.
In the meantime, I’ll be following your best blogger friend. And we’re going to follow so hard that you’ll miss what the two of us once had.
I love you. I hate you. I’m so confused.