Sunday, November 1, 2009

The One That Got Away

Dear Former Follower,

I look back on our time together with an almost irrational fondness. I remember the first time you stopped by and looked around. Everything was so shiny and new back then. We were on our best behavior, and the world was all possibilities.

You read a post or two. You thought it strange that the blog was such a hodgepodge. You wondered if you could ever truly enjoy a blog with no discernable unifying theme, but somehow something resonated with you. I even thought I heard you giggle once.

Your cursor lingered over the follow button, teasing and caressing it, promising untold ecstasy. Then we consummated our relationship with the click of a mouse. We were officially an item.

And leaves returned to barren branches.

We were so good together those first few days. But then you stopped even checking to see what words I’d crafted for you. You went from mildly amused lurker to apathetic ignorer. I felt the distance between us grow, your celestial orbit breaking free of gravity. So I wrote for you. It was meager food, but all that I had was yours to consume.

I heard that you were reading and commenting on other blogs at the same time that you were following me. And I wanted to crawl under my bed and hide. You may not have ever commented and said it, but I knew we really had something special.

You left me anyway!

Those other blogs won’t love you the way I do. They won’t know how to do that thing you liked. You know the one. Believe me, you’ll be sorry. But it’ll be too late. When you come crawling back, I won’t be here waiting. It’s your loss!

Please come back. I miss you. Maybe if we tried to spice things up? Maybe role-play? I could blog like a sexy cop. Or you could wear a blonde wig while you read. We could both follow a blog that’s been tagged for adult content. If we just tried a little harder, we could make this thing work.

What’s that? No, you say?

I thought you might react that way. But I hope you understand that I’ve gotten used to a certain number of followers. Nobody forced you to click that follow button. And I’m not giving up the lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed. You philanderer!

I’m sorry. I promised myself that I’d keep my emotions in check, but I guess it’s okay, since it’s factually accurate to call you a philanderer.

I want half of your online empire. You’ll be hearing from my unfollow attorney soon.

In the meantime, I’ll be following your best blogger friend. And we’re going to follow so hard that you’ll miss what the two of us once had.

I love you. I hate you. I’m so confused.



  1. ok, I think everyone of your followers (except the one that left of course) is going to relate to this (except for the role playing wig wearing blog part of course)story! You put into words the way we feel. LOL

  2. You see, this is why I don't use the followers option. Because I would become obsessed. I put the widget on my blog because I was sick of people emailing me going "PUT THAT FUCKING THING ON YOUR BLOG SO I CAN CLICK IT!" whatever that means, so I did, but I try not to pay attention to it in terms of numbers and things or I'd spend all day obsessing when people unsubscrib. I also don't follow anyone. Except my Google Reader is FULL of people I stalk obsessively every day without them even knowing. Sometimes I feel guilty; should I start "following" through Blogger just so all you people don't feel snubbed or something? So that I show up on everyone's lists and validate my existence? It would be merely symbolic as I already follow everyone on my Reader. So I don't.

    What am I talking about?
    I don't know.
    I'm drinking Coke. Of the non-diet variety.
    I'm a little wired.

  3. Ahaha "I love you. I hate you. I'm so confused."
    I already had you in my Google Reader but I went ahead and "followed" you to make up for these other hussy-readers abandoning you in your time of... well... you know. I would never hurt you the way they do. You keep on writing and I'll keep reading... promise. Unless you get boring. Or stupid. Or less funny. So no pressure.

  4. Oh! Hunter, you were one of the first people that I followed, you are an inspiration. "I love you, I hate you"...what are you saying? Are you deserting me when I need you?
    I will comment more, I will follow you forever, I will pay more attention to you,...just don't leave me in this wilderness of the Blogoshere!
    Big hugs, as always.

  5. Whaa...ttt? You have.... OTHER... followers... besides ME?!


    I had no idea.

    E pluribus unum. Just like all the rest. Well, except that one jerk who just up and left. I would never do such a thing.

    What an idiot. Clearly.

  6. Hi, Mike. Did it get weird there at one point?

    Hi, VA. You shouldn't give in to peer pressure. If someone really loves you they'll wait for your special follow. ;)

    Hi, Lindsay. You're so much better than those hussies ever were! I swear my allegiance 'til stupidity or less funny do us part. ;)

    Hi, Alice. I won't leave you. Don't you worry.

    Hi, Charlene. I only have words for you. Speaking of following, I'm going to have to pop over to your place and click follow, as my work email (where I get your updates now) has an expiration in January...

  7. Dude!
    that made me cry:)
    Im sorry for your loss , i truely am. In time you'll forget them, there are many better bloggers that want to follow you, they just havent found you yet
    Leave a light on and
    a few tidbits of joy at your front door.
    and rest asured I'll follow you
    yet I dont know why

  8. Numbers schmumbers ... followers schmollowers ... I totally dig ye blog ... and you're completely stealing my time with your words and funnies and whatnot. Do I care? Not one Iota!!! Keep on keepin' on as the Brady Bunch would say!!!

    Rock steady!

  9. Hunter,
    that was so sad, a tear came to my eye,no, I cried for you, remember my friend I am hear for you, if you need some help overcoming this, I have a card for a follower councilor, oh no, I just remembered, I THREW THAT CARD IN THE CAN YOU TOOK TO WORK. so sorry.

  10. It's their loss, i tell ya! Cos you're such a funny guy and I always love to read what you write! Hahaha!

  11. So funny on so very many levels, just brilliant.

    I "lost" a follower, and although I can't for the life of me figure out who it is, I'm quite quite overcome with misgivings!

  12. It took me ages to follow you and I can't quite figure out why, coz your blog is awesome. I just didn't know what I was missing out on. But your ex-follower does. So obviously, they didn't appreciate you in the first place. I say, good riddance to bad rubbish. Unless it was rubbish who unfollowed you, because he's awesome too.

  13. lol.. first time here.

    guess would make up for the Former Follower so that the accustomed lifestyle is brought back to you, and shall surely see to it, that I don't follow Former Follower's footsteps..

    Expect a regular reader from now on !


  14. look at the bright side. there are plenty of followers out there much better than the one you lost. you're smart, witty, your blog looks cute and trim. you deserve better! love/hate relationship is never a good thing. :) cheers!

  15. I lost a few followers, but gained a few in the process. So I just sit at the same number. But, you do miss those followers when they leave. :( I mean, I'm glad they are gone, makes room for new followers. :) Wait, someone doesn't like me? :( I mean, it's their loss! :)

    I understand your loss, we can commiserate together! :P

  16. Hi, John. Thanks for being a shoulder to lean on.

    Hi, SweetPeaSurry. Wise words from the Brady Bunch.

    Hi, Bruce. I keep telling myself that.

    Hi, Bob. Maybe we should send flowers?

    Hi, San. Thanks!

    Hi, Leah. Exactly. Never know who is leaving, which makes it really funny that there's ever a twinge of loss.

    Hi, Tennyson. I'm going with bad rubbish. Definitely.

    Hi, Meenakshi. Welcome!

    Hi, Sarah. Thanks. I needed that.

    Hi, adrienzgirl. That's exactly what I'm talking about. ;)

  17. Oh Hunter you always make me smile!

    Kate x

  18. Hunter, this was so funny! I've lost followers too and it always makes me think 'what's wrong with me?' or 'Jeez, am i that boring?' but you just have to let them go. Be free.

    But whoever stopped following you is a dumb ass. Enough said.


  19. Hunter, I promise to follow you faithfully. I do follow others, but TRUST ME, they are just friends. It is purely platonic. With you, it's the real thing!

  20. Ooh, this is like swinging!

    I imagine . . .

  21. We can get through this together, you know. I've been left several times, it gets easier. Try calling them bad names. It always works for me!

  22. This was an awesome post Hunter. I myself have lost a few as well. But since I am commitment phobic, I feel like I did it on purpose to alienate them.

    And will you take a request from a loyal follower? Can you please, please blog like a sexy cop in your next post?

  23. This is my favourite post of yours. Sums up the strange feeling of bitterness and irritation that occurs when your number goes down by one. I had it at the weekend and was scratching my head for an hour wondering what I'd done. Maybe I need to get a life.

  24. Hi, Kate. That's what I'm here for. :)

    Hi, Lou. I'm being free. And, yeah, total dumb asses!

    Hi, Amber. I so want to believe you.

    Hi, The Jules. What is this 'swinging' of which you speak? Like on the playground?

    Hi, OWO. I'm also a big fan of name calling.

    Hi, Lola. Ha ha! I don't know if I have that in me. But maybe someday...

    Hi, PMFOOW. It is strange. But definitely not worth wallowing over.

  25. Hunter, Bob and me had a long chat about this, and this is not a competition to see who can get the most followers. You win some, you lose some, that's up to them. You have done nothing wrong, and your loyal followers will love you all the more! I will never desert my followers, and I will still be here for you! This is FUN! It's a way to let your feelings out! It's just the release valve. Your true followers will always be here, get rid of the dead-wood that was holding you back! Hey! You still have 99 others! What the heck, are you going to get all upset because you lose one false "friend"? You are much stronger than that!
    Big Hugs! (always!)

  26. Hi, Alice. I think we're on the same page. This was just my way of poking some fun at the whole thing. Thanks. ;)

  27. LOL..Absolutely brilliant!

    "I love you. I hate you. I’m so confused." ~Perfection at its finest.

  28. Do what you have to do to make yourself feel better, but you should know that my best blogger friend has crabs. And not the buttery kind; the itchy kind.

  29. Hunter, that has to be the funniest lot of codswallop I've ever read. That last line, nothing short of brilliant.


  30. That made me follow you and I promise I'll remain faithful. And someone beat me to 100 and I was so hoping for that spot...

  31. I have lost more followers by now than some blogs ever get.

    Either they get offended (that 9/11 post eh? who knew?) or they decide I'm not bland enough for their blog world that somehow smells and tastes of nothing.

    You get used to it, then you see it as a badge of honour.

  32. Hi, Harmony. Glad you liked it.

    Hi, Gwen. Now I want to know exactly WHO your best blogger friend is.

    Hi, AV. It's funny about that line. Total last second inspiration there...

    Hi, Tina. Welcome!

    Hi, MLS. I probably care much less about the whole follower thing than this post might suggest. And, I agree, nothing wrong with ruffling some feathers from time to time.

  33. AV, I can't believe you said "codswallop" in Hunters comments.

    Anyway, thought the post so good had to read it a second time. Yep, still great.

  34. Hunter - Until you've had JennyBallsack storm out of your blog, unfollow you and delete her comments saying that she thinks you're funny you haven't lived. It's a white knuckle ride.

  35. Hi, Mike. I was just going to let that one go. But, you're right -codswallop? LOL.

    Hi, MLS. That almost sounds like a challenge.

  36. Ah Hunter, another brilliantly written post. You've got a knack for applying clever twists to everyday scenarios.

    For me, the "follow" aspect is merely functional, allowing people to keep me in their blog roll if they want to. Not everyone uses reader so it works for some. If I want an ego boost (or deflation) I check out the comments I get, since they reflect who's actually reading my shtick.

    For me, I follow so long as I enjoy it and get out when I don't. No different from a brand, organization or person in my life. If you bring good things my way, you stick around. If you don't, you get the boot. Plain and simple, hardly personal.

  37. By the way, if you don't play sexy cop soon, I will defollow. Consider yourself warned.

  38. Awesome.! Loved it, been there. Hope you're okay with one more follower! Looking forward to more, Hunter.

  39. Oh, that's great. Bravo! Ug the Handmade Teddy Bear is now a follower. He'll keep in mind that you've had your blogging heart trampled on by fickle followers ... :)

  40. Hi, Sass. Thanks. Your follower philosphy makes sense to me. And, truth be told, there's no point in anyone hangning around if they aren't getting some level of enjoyment out of it.

    I think my bravado really came out with that cop thing. Wouldn't even know where to start.

    Hi, Kate. Thanks for stopping by.

    Hi, Ug. I'm putting the pieces back together now. ;)

  41. p.s. Hunter, I forgot to thank you for the very sweet Hot Dawg Blogger kudos. Lovely (and funny).

  42. Hi, Leah. I got to pick, so welcome to the love-fest.

  43. Brilliant. I love your writing and look forward to them.

  44. Hunter,
    That was awesome! You made me laugh. Sexy cop, blonde wig, love it!

  45. I've only just discovered you so for me it's all still fresh. Let's enjoy the honeymoon period...

    Kitty x

  46. "Unfollow? UNFOLLOW?!!! Aw screw 'em" would be my philosophy.

    Can please everyone all the time, or even some of the time come to that.

    Very funny post. And I wouldn't worry - we all love ya! :)

  47. oh man, it never occurred to me people could un-follow.. better keep it fresh.. great post, still got it ;)