I have a confession to make. I have an MBA.
A Master's in Being Awesome?
Well, obviously. But also a Master's in Business Administration.
I don't tell you that with any pride. It isn't listed on my letterhead or anything. (I don't have letterhead.) The truth is that I often fantasize about taking an eraser to that B and giving myself an MFA.
But I digress.
I get a regular email update from the program I attended. It keeps me posted on what's going on with the school, and each email includes a brief interview with a successful graduate. These are people that have become titans of industry or are off saving villagers somewhere, sometimes both. As a general rule, these updates just make me feel bad about my own lack of accomplishment.
To combat this, I cloned the email template and sent out my own version.
Here's the interview from my forgery:
Meet the Alumni
What year did you get your MBA?
I graduated in the summer of 2001. It was just before 9/11, and a lot has changed since then.
What is your current job?
First, let me say that a job is something you do as a kid to pay for gas money. I didn't pay my dues to talk about some job. So let's respect and talk about my career. Hip-hop is what I'm passionate about. It's my life essence. That's why I'm the CEO of my own label, Treal Records.
Treal? Can you explain that word?
[Laughs.] Sure, I can do that. It's something that's true and it's real. But it's bigger than the sum of its parts. It's just plain treal. I'm always keeping it treal. It's like my motto, or my mantra, or whatever. You know?
How has an MBA prepared you for a life in Hip-hop?
It taught me that it's all about the game. You have to know that cash is king and that there's equity in your brand. That's why I bought a gold chain and started going by my pseudonym to break into the industry. In fact, I'd appreciate it if you could call me Al-bi-know. That's what my homies call me. Can you print that? Al-bi-know. A-L-B-I-K-N-O-W. Because I'm white and all, like an albino, but I'm educated so I put the K-N-O-W on the end.
What projects are you working on?
I just signed a shorty from Miami. Her name is Tami Miami. Used to be a model in South Beach, so you know she's got body karate all kinds of Bruce Lee style. But she's more than that. Girl can flow with her rhymes. She's the treal Miami Sound Machine. Forget about Gloria Estefan. This is the kind of music you want up in the club.
Any advice for current students?
Carpe jugulum. Every two-bit hustler out on the streets is trying to seize the day carpe diem style. If you want to make it, you have to seize life by the throat. Be a rabid pit bull when pursuing your dreams. And don't be afraid to crush your enemies, lest you be crushed.
Keep an eye out for me and Tami Miami at the Grammys.
The best part is that people believed it.