Thursday, September 24, 2009

Fabricated Success

I have a confession to make. I have an MBA.

A Master's in Being Awesome?

Well, obviously. But also a Master's in Business Administration.

I don't tell you that with any pride. It isn't listed on my letterhead or anything. (I don't have letterhead.) The truth is that I often fantasize about taking an eraser to that B and giving myself an MFA.

But I digress.

I get a regular email update from the program I attended. It keeps me posted on what's going on with the school, and each email includes a brief interview with a successful graduate. These are people that have become titans of industry or are off saving villagers somewhere, sometimes both. As a general rule, these updates just make me feel bad about my own lack of accomplishment.

To combat this, I cloned the email template and sent out my own version.

Here's the interview from my forgery:

Meet the Alumni

Hunter













What year did you get your MBA?

I graduated in the summer of 2001. It was just before 9/11, and a lot has changed since then.

What is your current job?
First, let me say that a job is something you do as a kid to pay for gas money. I didn't pay my dues to talk about some job. So let's respect and talk about my career. Hip-hop is what I'm passionate about. It's my life essence. That's why I'm the CEO of my own label, Treal Records.

Treal? Can you explain that word?
[Laughs.] Sure, I can do that. It's something that's true and it's real. But it's bigger than the sum of its parts. It's just plain treal. I'm always keeping it treal. It's like my motto, or my mantra, or whatever. You know?

How has an MBA prepared you for a life in Hip-hop?
It taught me that it's all about the game. You have to know that cash is king and that there's equity in your brand. That's why I bought a gold chain and started going by my pseudonym to break into the industry. In fact, I'd appreciate it if you could call me Al-bi-know. That's what my homies call me. Can you print that? Al-bi-know. A-L-B-I-K-N-O-W. Because I'm white and all, like an albino, but I'm educated so I put the K-N-O-W on the end.

What projects are you working on?
I just signed a shorty from Miami. Her name is Tami Miami. Used to be a model in South Beach, so you know she's got body karate all kinds of Bruce Lee style. But she's more than that. Girl can flow with her rhymes. She's the treal Miami Sound Machine. Forget about Gloria Estefan. This is the kind of music you want up in the club.

Any advice for current students?
Carpe jugulum. Every two-bit hustler out on the streets is trying to seize the day carpe diem style. If you want to make it, you have to seize life by the throat. Be a rabid pit bull when pursuing your dreams. And don't be afraid to crush your enemies, lest you be crushed.

Anything else?
Keep an eye out for me and Tami Miami at the Grammys.

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The best part is that people believed it.

25 comments:

  1. Bahaha! Excellent job, Whitey Whitestein. One question though. Does Tami Miami do origami while eating clammy salami and pastrami with her mammy Sammy for the double whammy?

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  2. One day I aspire to achieve the awesomeness that is Hunter! :D

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  3. This is the most originally funny blog I have read. Keep up the good work.
    plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com

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  4. This was so hilarious and unique. I should spend time at your blog more often. I have one question for you. What kind of classes does one have to take in order to get a Master's in Being Awesome? Since you are obviously so successful at your CEO position at Treal.

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  5. Hi, VA. I like the way that you rhyme. Maybe I could sign you to Treal?

    Hi, adrienzgirl. Ha ha, you'd do well to aim a little higher. ;)

    Hi, plenty. Thanks for the kind words. I actually had a couple pieces of new fiction that I was planning on posting around now. That was before my hard drive self-destructed.

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  6. Well, MY masters is in being awesome.

    Hilarious! Treal Records is on it's way with an act like that.

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  7. Al-bi-know = gold.

    I especially enjoy the "What, bitches?!" pose.

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  8. Hi, Lola. It's a gift.

    Hi, other. Everyone that stops by here has a Master's in Being Awesome. It's documented fact.

    Hi, Sarah. Thanks!

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  9. Hi, S&C. Al-bi-know is actually my second favorite fake rap name. Maybe one day I'll reveal numero uno...

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  10. Sign me, SIGN ME, homey! Freakin cat group here called the Cats MeHowls! Thanks for the Make Me Spit Coffee Laugh, Hunter. :)

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  11. Hi, Mike. My posse's getting bigger.

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  12. I think I caught that Tami Miami freestyling one time; she totally ripped Fernando Orlando a new one. Shorty has skillz, what?

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  13. That is marvelous. I've long dreamed of making something up to send in to my alma mater's alumni magazine, the "where are they now" section so full of great accomplishments (none of them mine). You've fulfilled that dream for me.

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  14. Hi, Imaginary. I can see that you're down.

    Hi, Leah. I'm considering an under-achievers' self help group.

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  15. Oh yes. Count me in. Me and my degrees and my radical underachievements...

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  16. Class! I now have a new mantra ... Carpe jugulum! Sage advice my lovely, sage advice. ;0)I'm too much down wit dat sheeat!

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  17. I don't think it's possible to improve on VA's comment so I won't even try. Nice post.

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  18. Hi, Sal. I likes that word. Thank you.

    Hi, Leah. Perhaps we should consider a side business creating false personas for the people that aren't featured in alumni updates...

    Hi, Xena. Take it and run with it.

    Hi, MLS. She's crafty, isn't she? Thanks for stopping by.

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  19. heh heh thank you, Hunter...I was the model for the original underachiever...Bart Simpson. I love your blog. Anyone who can make me spew pepsi at this hour of the morning is okay in my book...More degrees than a thermometer and here I still sit...waiting for the world to recognize the brilliant creature that is me lol
    Deborah

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  20. Hunter,
    I don't know how to do the hip hop here, we're a little more cuntry here, but anyone whut can be an mba, mfa, hip hop, know whut, and all the such, can hang out at the shop, grab a mop, stay at the top, non-stop, an his name be Hunter, owns the treal, and up in it with tammy from miami.
    Sorry, ole boys get carried away.

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  21. Hi, Deborah. Welcome! Thanks for stopping by.

    Hi, Bob. Clearly, you know more about hip-hop than you think.

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  22. Master's in Being Awesome!!! WOW!! That is one HIGH degree!

    LOL!

    Have a great evening!

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