Thursday, September 17, 2009

Beach Trip Haiku

Certain things are an abomination in the eyes of both man and the gods. Namely murder. And Speedos.

These moral constants hold true even if you happen to be psychotic or European. They’re also wrong if you’re a psychotic European. So stop looking for loopholes, Frenchy.

Luckily, I live in the US. We have plenty of murders here, but the lack of dudes wearing sausage slings in public helps to balance things out.

Unfortunately, I still witnessed men in Speedos during my recent trip to the beach. I’m coping with the trauma by writing haiku that are filled with deep pathos and my own unwavering brand of genius...

Old Man in Speedos Haiku

Old man in Speedos
How long have you been working
On that giant gut?

(The math on the above works something like this: American Gut + European Swimwear = Worst of Both Worlds^3)

Euro-trash in Speedos Haiku

Tell me Euro-trash
Must you flaunt your banana
In skimpy swimwear?

Bird-man in Speedos Haiku

Hey, spindly bird-man
Showing off albino flesh
Nice fucking Speedos!


  1. Thats amazing. Also a good word for " Banana" is also Skin Flute

  2. made my day
    thanks hunter
    stop by sometime

  3. If I were clever enough I'd come up with my own Haiku, but I can't. So I'll leave it up to you. Which you seem to be doing great with, BTW.

    I don't get the Speedo thing. On vacation recently there was this guy who had an even smaller abreivated version that somehow just covered his genitals and left the rest of his ass uncovered so he could 'tan'. Please. I needed corrective eye surgery because of the damage done to be retinas.

  4. Very funny!

    I was excited about my first European nude beach experience. Just because I'm weird that way. But now....I know better.

  5. Great morning chuckle. Thanks Hunter.

    PS. Watch out, I think plainolebob owns a speedo. :)

  6. Murder, speedos and spandex. Spandex should never come in a size larger than 6. Why is it they make it in size 400lb woman at Wal-mart?

  7. In Australia
    Spandex sausage slings are known
    As budgie smugglers

    This post made my day, I fuckin' love haiku.

    : )

  8. now now. speedos are lovely on guys with no guts or wrinkles or pale skins. :)

  9. Gaaaaah thats a scary visual. Speedos are just wrong - unless the guy is really really hot in which case wear whatever he wants! (Ideally as little as possible)

    Kate x

  10. I appreciate the hell out of this entry because I ADORE haikus (I am the haiku queen!) and also as a psychotic European I feel it's my duty to say only FRENCH and GERMAN folks and perhpas the occasional demented Spaniard, would approve of Speedos. Oh and Italians! They are big offenders. Oh and Eastern Europeans who are a bit behind the times in these matters.

    OK you're right, it's Europeans.

    Please help me Jesus
    Speedos are burning my eyes
    Surely that's a sock

  11. I fucking love haikus! I do not love speedos.

  12. I couldn't stop laughing at namely murder. And speedos.

    This is a great effing entry. Thank you for reminding me that laughter exists and that old men in speedos are a sight that I would like to avoid FOREVER!

  13. Just found your blog. You're effing hilarious. I love you (not like that). But I do...

  14. Normally, I'd respond to everyone that's been nice enough to stop by and leave a comment. Unfortunately, it's been a long day, and the hardrive on the laptop that I have all of my writing on just crashed.

    So a big thanks to everyone. Hope to be back up and running soon. (And, of course, I can check the internet from the home PC and from work.)

  15. I just threw up in my mouth a little......

  16. Hehe...this seriously made my day! Thanks for making me smile :)

  17. Eek, be careful what you say about least we can fit into our Speedos :-) Another great post.