Sunday, August 23, 2009

Life After Scooby-Doo

Once the original Scooby-Doo quit filming, the gang moved in different directions. Me and Scoob started one of the biggest restaurants in LA. It’s called Shaggy and Scooby’s House of Kabob and Mystery Dinner Theater. If you’re thinking, “Zoinks, that sounds fancy,” don’t let the name fool you. We like real food that’s really delicious. Tourists line up around the block just to scarf down a Scooby Snack Kabob. The show is great too. We’ve got a solid lineup of really creepy ghouls and monsters, and if Scooby makes a guest appearance the whole place goes ape-shit. To this day, that guy is a rock star wherever he goes. I guess we’re just lucky that we followed our stomachs to find success, because life after television can be tough.

Speaking of tough, Scrappy-Doo got really in to motorcycles. He was doing all this crazy stuff that would scare the heck out of most people, like jumping over flaming buses while on his bike. He looks intimidating with all his tattoos and piercings, but he’s just a big puppy dog. In fact, a few years ago he started a charity biker gang called The Angle Dogs. The original plan was to name it the The Angel Dogs, but a typo on the leather jacket order forced a change. Embroidered leather jackets aren’t exactly cheap, so the gang decided to save money by going with some fly by night operation in China. When they finally opened the boxes with their new jackets inside, no amount of threatening on Scrappy’s part could get the problem fixed. In the end they decided that most people would never notice the difference anyway, so the name stuck.

Velma’s found the most success out of all of us. Her daytime talk show is wildly popular and is even in international syndication. When she first came out of the closet, I was honestly surprised to find out that she’s a lesbian. Her helmet haircut and comfortable footwear were a couple of clues that I’d just overlooked. I’m really happy for her though. A couple of years ago, she married this blonde bombshell of a B-actress named Mercedes, and they have a wonderful life together. They even have a ranch in Wyoming where their adopted Third World children are allowed to roam free. And man, it’s just like the most amazing thing to see the smile on all those kids’ faces when they come running across the plains in their Prada loincloths to hug Velma and Mercedes.

Daphne went in a different direction. After the show, she broke things off with Fred. She was a bit of a wild woman around that time. Her face was always plastered across the tabloids with news of her partying lifestyle and latest romantic conquests. But it wasn’t long before she got religion and finally settled down. These days she’s married to a nice tax accountant named Larry, and they live a quiet life in the suburbs. Of course, she’s still managed to capitalize on her fame and good looks. She has a makeup and fragrance line that’s simply known as Daphne. She sells it on infomercials and makes quite a good living. Between her income and Larry’s investment savvy, they’re set for life.

Fred’s is the saddest story. He was devastated after the show ended and Daphne dropped him. It was weird, because he was always the guy that we all looked up to. He seemed to really have it all together. I know the running joke was about me and Scoob smoking the reefer and getting the munchies, but Fred went straight to the hard stuff. Coke. Heroin. Peyote. Fred courted the darkest of demons. It wasn’t long before he was living out of the back of the Mystery Machine and turning tricks for drug money. I even heard a story about how Fred gave a blowjob to a dealer in a bathroom stall at a nightclub. After the deed, the dealer dumped the coke on the floor and Fred crawled around on all fours snorting it up. It wasn’t hard to imagine. He’d quit shaving by that time, and a greasy mane peppered with cigarette ashes had replaced his signature coiffed blonde locks. The gang started to worry that he was going to end up dead or in prison. And prison is no place for a man who wears an orange ascot. Luckily, we got together and arranged an intervention. Fred got the help he needed, and he’s been clean for going on three years now. He even tours the country and speaks to high school students about the dangers of drugs.

We were all a part of something so much bigger than any one of us. Even though we’ve had our difficulties, I can’t help but feel an almost irrational fondness for the friends I made on the set of Scooby-Doo. It’s been a crazy ride for all of us to be sure, but I’m looking forward to seeing everyone again when the time comes to do a reunion.

16 comments:

  1. man what a great relief, i have been worried about those guys, very warm and touching I couldn't help but cry.
    thanks, Hunter

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  2. Wouldn't their restaurant specialise in giant multi story sandwiches with a tiny olive on a cocktail stick on top?

    I enjoyed this a lot.

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  3. Mr London Street, now that you mention it, that was one of their feasts of choice. I bow down to your superior Scooby-Doo knowledge.

    Can't tell you how honored I am that you decided to swing by.

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  4. Bob, I was aiming for tears, so I'm glad to hear it. ;)

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  5. Bobs Crying cause he tried to order a Tsunami Pizza from Pizza Hut. Hunter, great story my friend. Just can't believe that Shaggy didn't know Selma was Lebanese.

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  6. Why would you be honoured? It was my pleasure - this was very good, I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with next.

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  7. Innocent Owner, I had to read that twice. Lebanese. Nice!

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  8. MLS, glad you liked it!

    I'm shooting for a short fictional piece like this at least once a month. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what this blog is going to be, but I'm sure that much will stay consistent.

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  9. Thanks, Samira. I'm glad you stopped by to check it out!

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  10. Good stuff -"Prada loincloths" - hilarious!

    erin
    http://lostlivesontheline.blogspot.com
    http://artistroad.blogspot.com

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  11. Pop by my blog. You've won something.

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  12. Here at Mr London Street's urging - very nice work!

    I heard Scrappy was an angry drunk.

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  13. MLS - Thanks for putting me in the mix! Again, I'm honored.

    Soda and Candy -Thanks for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed the post, and you might be on to something about Scrappy. I love seeing false piety exposed...

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  14. Ha, fabulous!! And well done. Though how could you have not addressed Daphne's white knee-high boots? They were the 6th cast member, or maybe 6 1/2 if you count Scrappy.

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  15. Hi, One Sassy Girl. You're totally on point. She was quite the stylish tart, and those boots were something else.

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